If I Only Had a Brain
by Eddy Fawkes
Summary: Another result of craziness... Misty finally decides that Ash needs to get his head checked. What? Of course Team Rocket's in here! Rated Kplus because I'm sick of rating things K.


Ash: According to my calculations, this path should take us to Pallet Town.

Brock: Let me see your calculations, because I think it should take us to Viridian City.

Ash hands over a paper with math equations like 2+2=5, 6x2=52, and 2+1=14.

Brock: These equations are all wrong!  I don't think you have a brain at all, Ash!

Misty: He does too have a brain!  Otherwise how would he be able to walk and talk and think?

Brock: We've already solved one of those problems.  He can't think.

Misty: How can he walk and talk, then?

Brock: He uses his kidneys!

Misty: …

Jessie: Prepare for trouble!

James: Make it double!

Brock: This is the ultimate test!  If Ash can defeat Team Rocket by using his head, that'll prove he has a brain!

Misty: How can that prove anything?  Defeating Team Rocket takes no brains at all!

Ash: Step aside, everyone, for I will defeat Team Rocket with the raw power of math equations!  3x3=20!  4+5=10!  0+0=20,000!

Jessie: This is freaking me out.  Let's just grab Pikachu and get out of here.

Meowth: Yeah, I'm working on that.  Pikachu, you won't have to put up with this Slowpoke anymore if you come with us!  Our Boss set up a Poké-paradise for all his captured pokémon!

Pikachu: Pika Pikachu?  Pi!  Kachu! [Why didn't you tell me that before?  Let's go!]

Meowth: OK!  Great!  Pikachu's coming with us!

James snatches up Pikachu and Team Rocket dashes off with Ash pursuing them.

Ash: Nooo!  Come back!  8/2=3!  4x2=16!  50-1=75!

Misty: Ash, I think we need to take a trip to the hospital.

~

The scene shows Team Rocket at the Viridian City Gym.  Jessie and James hand the Boss the pokéball with Pikachu inside.

Giovanni: Excellent work.  I'll have to triple your salary _and_ give you a bonus!

Jessie and James' eyes light up at the thought of millions of dollars.

Giovanni: And we must discuss where you'll be going on your vacation.  Porta Vista, perhaps?

Cassidy and Butch walk up, lugging a container full of pokéballs.

Cassidy: Boss, we heard you wanted a Pikachu, so we went out and caught you 50,000 of them.

Giovanni: I'll have to quadruple your salary and give you a bonus that's ten times that!  This will earn you a five-week vacation to Porta Vista – all expenses on me!

James: About the – ahem – salary bonus and vacation, sir…

Giovanni: Oh yes.  Jessie and James.  I'd forgotten about you.  Your next mission is to…find a pokémon that talks.

The Boss dismisses them with a wave of his hand and begins attending to Cassidy and Butch.

~

Jessie and James watch all the Pikachus swim in the water and bask on the sandy beach created especially for them.

James: This is going to be impossible.  I mean, finding a pokémon that talks?  What do you think, Meowth?

Meowth slowly backs away, grinning nervously.  Jessie whips out her mallet and whacks James on the head.

Jessie: James, you idiot, Meowth can talk!  All we have to do is give him to the Boss!

Meowth: I don' wanna!  Nooo!

~

Jessie: Look Boss, this pokémon can talk! (holds out Meowth)

James: Go on, Meowth; say something.

Meowth: Meow.  Meow.

Boss: You idiots!  This pokémon can't talk!  Get out of my sight!

~at the hospital~

Ash is being wheeled into a hospital room.  Misty waits behind the glass.

Misty: Don't worry, Ash!  Everything's going to be just fine!

Team Rocket comes along and watches.

James: Jessie made me take that brain test.  First they wheel you into that room.

Misty: It's okay, Ash!  I'm right here!

James: Then they bring out the needle thing…

The two doctors wheel out a humungous needley contraption.

James: But it never does anything.  It just kind of sits there and torments you.

~behind the glass~

Doctor1: Hmm.  I've never seen anything like this before.  What do you think, Bob?

Doctor2: He's quite an interesting specimen.

Doctor1: I think we'll have to take him into the back room.

The doctors wheel him out.  Mist follows them, but Team Rocket, becoming bored, leaves the hospital.  Some other doctors wheel another patient into the vacated room.

Brock: No!  You don't understand!  I don't need a brain test!  Nooo!

~

Doctor2: Okay, he's all fixed.

Ash opens his mouth a few times and stares blankly at Misty.

Misty: What do you mean, he's fixed!?  He can't talk!

Doctor2: Exactly.  He can't say anything wrong.

Brock has met the same fate.  Sadly, Misty wheels them both out of the hospital.  The doctors take off their masks, revealing their true identity.

Butch: This is going quite smoothly.  With everyone like this, we'll have no trouble taking over the world!

Cassidy: Yeah, it's working great except for that idiot who operated on James.  He made James smarter!  If we don't recapture James fast, then his smartness will kick in and he'll be able to stop our plans of world domination!

~

The scene shows Team Rocket walking along.  There is *absolute silence* until…

James: e=mc2.

Meowth: What!?  Was that a bit of wisdom from the lump that knows nothing?!

Jessie: You're so mean, Meowth.  James knows a lot of stuff.

James: a2+b2=c2.  c=pr2.  d=rt.  Newton's first law of gravity states that-

Meowth: Woah!  Never knew he knew that much!

James: Blah blah blah blah blah – and therefore we must extinguish their plans of world domination!

Jessie: Huh?

Meowth: What are we talking about here?

James: Back to the hospital!

~

Cassidy and Butch are being carted off again while James stands proud, the savior of the day.


End file.
